"Couch"

I am not a couch.
I don't like the be sat upon.
I don't like to be critique for my appearance, or the quality of my upholstery.
I don't like people to fuck over me.
I don't like to be moved because you don't like where I am.
I don't like being spilled on.
I don't like being jumped on.
I don't like being humped upon.
I don't like being told that I hurt your back.
Kiss him somewhere else.
Eat at the table.
Screw in the bedroom.
Please. Turn that TV off. I don't like this show.